Something's Gotta Give

God... to you I look and your gaze is as fixed as ever upon my soul. You know. Something's gotta give.

Death and I are about to part ways. I am almost at the end of my game. It's been too long and I am about to quit, for I cannot play any longer. Overthinking this, I can prolong the charade for longer, but it has to stop. It tears at my existence, and I believe it will destroy it. If I don't stop. The nightmare has to end, and soon, or I may have to write a real suicide note. But it won't get to that. Life is precious, life is whole, life is love, but my world is being torn apart from inside by garish mannerisms and dishonesty on my part. My happiness is in no one's hands and I cannot pretend it is there, so it is in my failure as a liar and my success as a son, a friend, a human being, that I will surrender my shell, my vulnerability, and I will stand alight; not on fire, but with a metaphysical fire within, burning.

God knows my way. I thus endeavor to follow it, because it is the way love comes. I am tortured by my thoughts, as one may have realised. Thoughts of envy, thoughts of being inferior, thoughts of being treated as rubbish, thoughts of inattention and lack and neglect. And anger at these, at these illusions that have so long burdened me and prevented me from reaching my truth, my Self. The sweet nothings that I had convinced myself of mean nothing, yet they pressure me into a pit where I cannot escape, save by surrendering my feelings and leaving the light within me to shine away the inexistent.

God, this is it. Love is coming.