Images

I've come to a realisation - another in a series, out now - about who I am 'not'. I wrote this down in a note to myself:

"When I stop thinking, the self I think I am ceases to exist. I am empty. Perhaps that is what is so scary about not thinking - the loss of that link to the world. Without it, I simply am - and that feels lost, but maybe it is the state of surrendering flow."

Having let go of vices and needs to project images onto people, after surrendering the idea that I cannot truly communicate who I am to anyone, I felt liberated. Lost, yes, but a liberating floating away into somewhere. I don't know. And because I haven't known for a while - though I did try - I found that there isn't really anything to know that won't come when it's needed. I wonder who I am. I have thoughts about that, and then somewhere along the track I am reminded that those thoughts matter not and they do not make up who I am. So there you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee. You called me sugar. Pink lyrics. My thoughts can change quickly from one thing to another without much heed for subject matter save for a few conditions such as what I am thinking about has to somehow matter to me in some way, and it must also catch my attention. Otherwise no thoughts hold. So in my attempt to be a river, I also figured out that I am a fish, and a rocky outcrop, and an ice cube drifting, and an arrow penetrating the air. And I am none of those.

You see, I play. I try to figure out who I am. But I will never be able to truly express it. (Need I?) And I will never be able to communicate it to anyone. (Need I?) And no one will ever be able to understand who I am in my depth through an image of myself, because the image will never be good enough, it will always miss the vital part of 'being', since an image, being an illusion, is 'not'. Therefore, what's the point?

Having fun and laughing makes so much more sense now, because there are things that don't necessarily make sense and when the need for sense is taken out of the question, these senseless things somehow gain a certain sense. And there ain't no reason why - that I can decipher, that I need decipher.

The subconscious knows everything. So when I say I know who I am, I mean that it knows who I am and I only have images, parts, that I can present to others. Perhaps that's useful sometimes - but only when I can use the parts to point beyond them. That's the clincher. I've tried projecting myself onto others hoping others would remember the images of me that I hoped to have placed in their minds. Yet, I haven't really gotten anywhere in terms of satisfaction, because what is truly satisfying - being appreciated for who you are - cannot be found in images, since images are always incomplete. And I want the complete package. And to think, I didn't realise before that I was trying to get that complete package with an incomplete tool set/map. It is like trying not to think, with thought.

Maybe there is usefulness in images. I don't think they're worth discarding totally, because I think they can be used, as I said, for pointing beyond themselves. That choice of images, however, I am to understand that it is not mine to make. For I cannot make such choices. I cannot be the distinguishing force - because I don't know everything. The subconscious though, I suppose, can let me know. I suppose. But it knows. It knows it can let me know and it does let me know when it knows I ought to know. And I know.

All's I got to do is listen. And watch. And pay attention to now. Don't need to judge. Don't need to make up stories and piece things together, because the moment I start using thoughts, I block out intuiting. All's I got to do is be. Let others see me as they will.