Oceans Meeting

Francophone? Oui je parle français but not very fluently so that's why I leave tomorrow for New Caledonia. To improve. And to experience. I don't know what it will be like but it will be worth it. Flying 800km away from Auckland across a distance of sea isn't something I do everyday so I think from the perspective that this is a new occurrence, an unusual occurrence, then it has some significance I cannot yet point my finger on. But it will be, as it will be.

I am blessed to leave a place that's rich in what I'd call love, trusting that I will find it so when I return from my séjour. But I think there's no point in thinking about it. I was reminded of a key lesson when a bear and his francophone-from-a-tape keeper came to visit me last night, giving me a parting gift. Very sweet gesture, and unexpected, but appreciated and welcomed with open arms. The card that they wrote made my day. And the message at the end:

"accept love, don't look for it."

The chose parfaite to hear before I leave. It reminds me that I don't need to do anything in New Caledonia, to portray myself in a certain way, to worry how I am seen or what to do, but simply to be. That will be enough. It's an everyday lesson, and everyday rememberance. It pays to be reminded of it.

Thank you J.

I would like to sign off today as what the francophone-from-a-tape called me. Mon Visage Petite Baise. Orthographic errors included. It's only an error if I compare it to the French I have learned, but who says this is not a language of its own. We speak in our own tongues. And somehow, we come across to each other. Like oceans meeting.


Bisous,
Ton Visage Petite Baise

Giddy

I've been anticipating Skyrim since it was announced last year on December 11th. And the past few weeks have rendered me to the state of what I imagine a curly-haired boy of about 5 in a woolen sweater would be feeling, waiting for Christmas to happen, waiting for Santa to come through that familiar black leather-face door with an indeterminately-sized sack of goodies. What would be in it? Oranges, chocolate, a book about insects with Latin names that the boy would be fascinated about for a few weeks, but would never properly read or recall much from, just several pictures. The past week has headed down through this anticipatory-emotional field, where I feel what I'd call "giddy" and would physically describe as feeling my heart in the middle of my chest, beating - and each time it beats, it pushes up slightly towards my throat, then comes back down.

One effect of this has been the disruption to my sleeping pattern that I have observed several days ago. Normally I would sleep 6 or 7 hours per night, but with the onset of exams and playing League of Legends with friends online has kept me past midnight more than I would've liked - but I tolerated it, it's been fun. Still, with the lessened sleep from those treks into Summoner's Rift, and with the onset of this anticipatory "euphoria", I've begun to sleep less and less. The night before last, I slept from about 12 until 4.30am. Last night, I slept from about 10.30 until 1.30am, and tried to sleep more afterwards but it did not manifest, I don't think. I did instead have an interesting mini-dream in which I was with some childhood classmates from Romania as well as some friends from New Zealand, and we were on top of a hill in Romania, and to one side there was a river, or a large body of water. On top of the hill lay two taps, both of which were white and off. Either me or some teacher was explaining something, then we left that area. I found myself coming back to realise one of the taps had been somehow turned on and in the space of I don't know how long, water had been pouring out of this tap and flooding the body of water so that more land was now covered in water. I remember a sense of surprise. Then I awoke (?) and saw it was around 4am, back in the bed I'd never left except in my mind. And then the excitement crept up in me again, knocking at the door in my chest.

I have an exam today, in which I am to write two essays in French in two hours. I'm not worried about it, but I wonder if having less sleep will affect my cognitive functioning. I feel no headache and am alert, though perhaps as the day goes on I will feel more tired.

Thankfully, Skyrim comes out on Friday, the 11th, which is effectively that boy's Christmas. Hopefully post-Christmas, he'll calm down and go read/look at the pictures in his book and eat his oranges. Until then, I don't think there's much to do but just let him jump up and down inside me.

Différance

You keep, the French-toasted sung guns in your arms,
trigger happy finger-children,
pestled in with la verdad,
(ven, te voy a mostrar)
the back-hand upside-swept confusion
of a distant man writing in a chamber,
not a room, far from a room,
but one where there's no one there but
the remainer of five hundred and eleven evenly
spaced out feathers, torn
from a place no longer as light.

Let us pull the curtains back.

The day finds me new,
waiting still on this chair,
waiting-wondering actually
what they day will bring
now that it's found me.


Therein lies my delay, my fossé,
my lacune,
my différance.


Hm. All I wanted to do was say différance.
It's a buzzword.