i am a fragment. I am the whole.

Man, these others living me, they've kept me wondering why I find it hard to be consistent, stable, but I think I get it now. Last year, no, the year before, I wrote a post about there being a difference between I and i. I is the greater, overarching self, while i is the smaller, fragmented, self. I is the palm that the i lives its life in. You can see that even visually this is represented: there is a separation in the i that does not exist in the I. Because of circumstances and my reaction to those circumstances, because of growing up and social conditioning, because of looking for answers and being influenced by people that have come and gone and yet come and go, I see now that there is not just one i in an I, but many. The idea is quite fascinating, that I have multiple selves in me, and it reminds me of schizophrenia, though I think the key difference in this case is that the I, the palm, is aware, and becoming more aware of these inner goings-on, and so I do not totally get lost in the playings of my smaller selves.

i am a fragment. I am the whole. Let me exemplify: last night I went to a 21st party for one of my closest friends. A lot of people I knew, were there, and I came with my girlfriend, who did not know so many (and she's probably reading this so ><) and I was trying to help her fit in, to take care of her, while trying to mingle and see a lot of the other people there as well. Overall I think it was successful because she did get to know more some of my close friends and I got to see others but I did not feel like I connected much. I started drinking a bit, thinking it would ease me in and make it easier, and that made me more conscious of the i that was operating at that time - the eager-to-please i. I remember having been tipsy a few times before, and those times I would be smiling, laughing, uninhibitedly enjoying myself by helping others enjoying themselves. This has taken the form of joking, and it has also taken the form of consoling. My point is that this i is putty, mould. If you need a joker, i'm there. If you need a fool, i'm there. If you need an ear, have mine. When people ask me whether i'm a happy drunk or an angry drunk, i say i am pretty happy because i am eager-to-please, a take-carer. This becomes more accentuated with alcohol, because i don't make reservations, whereas i am more careful when sober. I discovered it difficult though to try to please everyone last night, especially before I started drinking, because i was trying to look after how she was going and how my friends were going too. Drinking exacerbated it but the 'problem' was still there in that i could not find ways to please everyone, and so i felt, in the moment, like i was failing trying to please anyone. I wasn't aware of my doing that until I got home this morning and reflected. This is a commonly seen self, in a way my public self, because it comes out whenever I am in a social situation. It is designed to gain approval, to please, and based on the degree of its success at this, it is itself happy. This is a fragmented i, because it is dependent, it is in want of approval from others, it wants reassurance. I never figured I was so dependent until I realised this modus operandi, this autopilot that tries to dispense rays of sunshine on demand, and how so often it fails to satisfy its high standard it sets itself.

I do not know if I can change this i, but I can watch it, and in watching it, not be so absorbed in its aims. Last night, I dropped my phone on the floor while taking some pictures, and I remember not being phased at all, except when I picked it up it said "Insert SIM Card" and so I took the battery out and replaced it and it worked again, thankfully. Then I noticed the plastic case that covered the front part was missing, and I looked behind and there it was, on the floor. I grabbed it, put it back on, but it did not fit anymore. There were cracks in two places as well. My phone itself looks intact - the cover took the impact. Could be a metaphor...

Today I am resting, and I think that having been through last night and having made this realisation, I can be more comfortable choosing who it is I want to be, and balancing this with who I am.