Flux-Reflux and Coming Out

When I was in high school, teachers rewarded good behavior and academic success with praise. I sought out that praise, and so learned to achieve with the expectation of said reward at the culmination of my behavior or doings. I don't think it's considered proper to say I did well in high school because I was after adults' approval, but to an extent it is true. I like to be liked. I liked it when my fellow peers liked me, too, when my piece of creative writing was more descriptive and used metaphors and similes more than theirs'. I liked it when the teacher asked me specifically in Year 12 English what the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' was and I said one is a verb and the other is a noun. I felt a watering of the seeds of pride when a student to my right said they don't know what a noun or verb is. In hindsight, I realise that my answer was not correct, and that both 'affect' and 'effect' can be used as nouns as well as verbs, except one grammatical function has a more common usage than the other. But I believed me right, and was praised for being so.

I was praised enough that I believed myself better, smarter. Even students - I remember in year 6, I used to be called a 'brain box', and over years of reinforcement, I came to believe I was simply smarter. Of course, I could never outwardly admit that. I would have to say that everyone can do well - something I believe - and that I am not special. But everyone does not do well, and that hidden, secretive knowing keeps me feeling like I do have something special that propels me.

I can talk my way out of that belief, but I think beyond words, it is still ingrained. I still believe I am special. That is why, when I consciously try to not be boastful of how well I have done in university, I tend to be bitter, because I feel inside me that the seeds of pride, by now a plant with roots, are thirsty for approval. I feel proud, that I have done something better than someone else. And as it stands, when I unconsciously let slip my superiority, it is brought down, seen as an illusion. In other words, when I exalt myself, I am humbled.

Although the weeds are culled above the surface, the roots still spring and yearn to grow again. I feel diminished until I feel the pride again swell. Except, I don't feel it as pride growing, which would alarm me because I consider pride 'bad'; rather, it is justice. I am being praised because I am being reminded of the exalted place I should occupy.

Interestingly, I noticed while thinking today around 1 a.m. while brushing my teeth, that those things I have consciously learned to avoid because they are seen as 'bad', such as being proud and boasting, I unconsciously exhibited as outward behavior. I only seem to catch myself being proud when I feel diminished - that is, when I feel hurt, brought down, it is because I thought myself higher before that.

I noticed it with other things as well. When I see others boast, I am quick to identify in my mind that it is their ego talking and that I should not be like them and therefore be superior because I do not do that. Then in conversation later, I unconsciously boast about something I have done - I cannot resist it - and then the superiority I had just built up is deconstructed.

This flux-reflux of exalting-humbling is the source of much of my pain and pleasure. I enjoy it when someone says something good about something that I did. I don't when they make a caustic remark and diminish me via discrediting the value of what I have done.

I want to develop the habit of humility. In order for this to take place, I must lose my belief that I am special, or help it evolve. Whether I like it or not, it is a belief strengthened each time someone compliments me. This is why I do not like receiving compliments, because I was aware to some extent before that it will circle and lead me to feeling diminished. I like the feeling of being praised, yes, but then I also know now that it will lead me to feeling diminished later on. It is not the praise that is sitting uneasy with me, but rather my not knowing how to deal with it. Because I believed my teachers when they told me I was good, because I thought the other students were jealous of me because I was doing better than them in some activities and in grades, I grew up with the belief that I had something they did not. A pride plant secretly grew in me. I appeared humble on the outside for the most part, but inside I always held on to the belief that I was better.

Perhaps this specialness is a shield, serving as protection from bullies. Yet does this specialness seek its own destruction, its existence being the reason why others would seek to diminish it.

I come to the question that feels familiar, as if I had seen it before. If I am not special, then what am I? If this flux-reflux of exaltation-humility is just an ouroboros, built for its own demolition, where come I? Who is praise for? Is it guidance? If so, who is being guided?

I would redefine special to being particular, but I venture I would encounter the same difficulties with that word due to its similarity. If I did not feel special, I would have no place for pride. Having used logic and trailed my thoughts in this blog post, I come to the area of the unsure. I've felt the spin cycle of my thoughts and they have arrived back at the initial thought I had in the bathroom. What has been avoided consciously, has manifested itself unconsciously. Dreams are an excellent indicator. I have mornings and wake up feeling things I do not openly admit to feeling on the surface. So maybe this says I should not have secrets, I should not hide, because I cannot, because the mind simply cannot. I try conceal my pride and it slips through my fingers. I try conceal feelings I cannot explain or justify, and they surface through other orifices.

Everything moves towards light - even the ego, who although thrives in darkness, needs assert itself and thus diminish in the light. Everything is trying to come out.