Courage

(I have just written all this out, and am amazed at the amount of thought activity that has gone into it - thoughts I had only half-had or quarter-had consciously, all pooling. Thankfully, I am not freaked out or worried or feeling guilty, though I am wondering how you will respond.)

I had a very peaceful morning from the dream-sharing, and then when you told me that the writing of mine you like most is when it is play, I felt reassured, confirmed. The day progressed smoothly. I finished the Murakami short story book, and the Reading for Writers book as well. I went outside, had some precious moments of being in the garden, and a metaphor arranged itself that I then went back inside to write:

"Dad recently cut the tree branches down so the trees looked like twigs tangled together in their own stumps, with hardly any leaves. The midday sun cast the tree's shadow on the grass, a veiny, neuronic shadow, and my walking on the recently cut grass felt like footing the top of a brain; and I wondered whether my weight was being felt as each sole of my pacing was pressing down into the grass. I felt like a fly landing and scuttling about on the hairs of my arm."

Something akin to that. Then I seemed to lose some lustre. I had a very inactive day, and I think that slowth showed itself in my emotions - I felt fine, but I felt increasingly... stuck. Inert. Unsatisfied by the things I was doing - my salvation, I thought, was going to be to write, but I tried that and I couldn't - I was stuck in a loop of doing-nothing-really. This, I recall, happened a lot during holidays. I had too much freedom, too much I could just procrastinate on, and nothing I had to do. No serious deadline to meet, I relaxed and had a lazy day. Fine.

But then it isn't fine because I don't like wasting this time. I am fine if its chosen laziness (i.e. relaxation), which it was for the first half of the day; then it turned to inertia.

I think this inertia feels worse because I haven't dealt yet with my emotions about what was discussed the night before. Attachment. That's better a word than clingyness. I realised two things throughout the course of the day which was spent with myself. I wanted that. But actually only the first half was spent with myself, the other half was procrastinating this inertia. So, the two thoughts I had. 

One) Seeing you often at university makes me feel less appreciative of you. In a way, I think that my mind has now normalised you enough to not treat with as much respect and empathy as you deserve. I do not think it is the fact that I see you often that caused this however, but, as I said last night, the lack of "quality" or rather focus on ourselves that happens during university time. I think that I enjoy hanging out with friends a lot more during university time because after a lecture, while I am processing, I enjoy going to the quad to just let the thoughts be sponged in and I can talk about things without needing to use my mind and emotion so much. Not to say I have not enjoyed spending time with you, but I wasn't always there fully present, because my mind was drained from university work and whatever thoughts those sparked. I mean I was still there, and right now I'm generalising, but I just feel like I wasn't giving you the whole of my attention, even though I wanted to on some level; my mind though wanted to do something else low-key, to be unstimulated. I think that's part of the reason why I didn't enjoy ritualising going home with you on Monday and Tuesday at 5. While it was a spontaneous decision at the start, I still felt like I could choose to go or not, and when I did, I chose it because I was able. But then I just felt like I had to, because those were the only times I would get to see you and I was feeling like you were now expecting me to come, so for the last few weeks of semester, I did. I didn't really want to each time, though, because I wasn't really choosing. When I was on the bus with you, the thought would go away, but then I would catch myself later on thinking that next Monday I'm going to go home with her. It was certainly not a dreadful thought, as I may be sounding it. It was irksome though because I wasn't entirely happy for that choice to have been made for me. And I'm aware that if I wanted space I could ask you, or if I didn't want to do it, I didn't have to. You have mentioned it to me many times. But at the same time, I still felt compelled to come with you. Despite your words, I didn't feel like I had the choice of it, like you still wanted me to come because it would make you happy. I went with that, thinking it would make you happy. And I thought also that if I said no and decided to go home with someone else or train, that I had to have a legit reason for doing that. My default choice switched from "let me think about what I want to do" to "go home with you." And I felt that was expected, and that you enjoyed it. I've said the same thing a few times now, just to get it sorted in my mind. Wall of text. nice. 

Seeing you often at university - as often as I came - built this expectation in my brain. I feel silly now for having had it, but please do let me know if you think there is any truth to it - if you actually did have any sort of expectation of me to see you all days. Those times didn't always feel like quality times because, as you said and I echoed, we were always doing other things, had other things on minds, and it was a bit too half-hearted - where I feel it was not supposed to be. I liked October 2nd because it was a full-hearted quarter of a day. And what I reckon is, that we ought to have tried to have more quality time dates instead of meeting up lots. I know we only had three times a week when we were both at university, but because of that timetable, I always felt compelled to meet you since that's when I came to university and that is when you got to see me and you wanted to see me each day I came, I thought. That's not an accusation, but I did feel like it was an expectation. The ritualisation was a mental thing, and I think that this halfhearted/fullheartedness is really mental barriering. But this is where my "suffocation" stems from. A mental idea. Feeling like I was following protocol instead of actually wanting to meet you. There were definitely times when I looked forward to seeing you. But other times it just felt part of the ritual - and you and I both deserve much better, much more heart. And the heart follows no ritual, save its beating, and its beating is constant, and each beat matters. I'm annoyed that my mind has buried my heart once again beneath its layers of thinking. And yet it's still intact. Hidden, though. Because I reckon you are more in contact with your heart than I am, so that is why I want self-time - and I have to properly do it myself - so I can reconnect with that heart.

Now the feeling compelled to be with you has been bubbling for about a month, and really it's not a devastating issue, because I have enjoyed being with you nonetheless, because when I am with you, the balance thing happens and then the thoughts disappear. But when I am away from you, that's when my mind is sabotaging me, inconstantly building quiet resentment towards you because my "freedom" is being taken away, or so it says. That's why I was saying that when you text me, the thought sometimes hits me that I am then supposed to reply. You expect me. It's the protocolness that irks me. You are not demanding of me, which is why I reemphasise that this is in my head, but I thought writing this may help me (and you) understand more where I'm coming from. I think the initial thought I had has evolved so perhaps what I was saying earlier no longer applies as much. And the protocolness happens when others text me, it's not unique to you. You just "happen" to text me most.

Oh there was thought two) which is that I feel I must reciprocate emotions even though you say I don't need to. I still feel guilty for you saying that you are going to miss me out of everyone else, and me saying I don't think I will. I feel like I have to justify my feeling, like it's wrong or something. I feel that unsaid couple pressure. It's like, as a couple, I am expected to see you more than anyone else, and not only that, I have to WANT that. But the truth of it is, I don't think of it this way at all. I don't ever consider if I want to see you or not, I either do or I don't. It doesn't happen mentally, it happens via the heart. So stuff like being missed, which would happen via the heart as well, if it were to happen even on a minute level, it would not occur to me as a thought. But after you said it, I thought about it. Because I thought I had to, and it was triggered. Even though I didn't have to. But it isn't a thought, and I know now that you are not demanding that I have the thought. It's getting late and I'm tired.

The truth is I don't really think about us as a couple. I don't like thinking about boyfriends and girlfriends and togetherness. I have the practical thoughts, yes, and you are my girlfriend and I am your boyfriend. It's established. But actually, besides sometimes having a mental countdown of how long roughly we've been going out (kind of like a milestone measuring mind operation), I don't think about us. I think I used to, when I had my analysis cap on, but I donned my balding look as of late and I'm much happier with the mental state. Thoughts about missing you and being a couple and clingyness are all thoughts from the cap, as if they are rabbits and doves and other magic things jumping out of it and into my mind. I would prefer not to have those thoughts, because I would rather not have the interference with the happenings of the heart.

Let me stress again, I am writing this to move through my emotions and to realise what I am thinking. I think I got to overthinking again, in a mild bubbled form. Signals progress in my mind. That was a pun. But also a cliché ("in my mind"), ew. I want to be free to be who I am. I am blessed to be with you, and I want to remember that in the present moment. I think if the heart has planned our life together, then so it shall be. I can't plan it though, not via the mind, at least not yet while it's still in overthinking habits. I don't want to plan it. It's not mine to plan. I don't want to think about expectations and clingyness and missing one another. I rather our relationship be from the heart, with the heart.

That is the courage I started this post with, and the courage I feel I have regained now, having cleared a path through my thoughts. Good night.