Going Where I Don't Know

My feelings aren't hurt,
no, they aren't even alive
to feel what I think they weigh
be dispensed on the sidewalk,
like something worthless,
not worth a second glance,
heck, just a nothing, made up
to excuse my thought-like trance.

Honestly, these expectations
are just too much noise;
I think I'm more, I'm not,
and then the echo deploys.
The world's caught up in it
and my friends all sign up
to what I don't understand,
and I feel it within me erupt.

There isn't much left for words,
forgiveness has already come,
and yet for it to stay with me,
control has to be left alone
so here I go, walking towards
what I don't know, unplanned
and a world's path dodged to find
the one that by it isn't manned.

After The Tsunami Struck

Pulled the earth's weight away,
now I've had enough.
It gave way beneath
and I'm back in God's hands,
disillusioned,
yet crying for what could have been
yearning for what I have seen,
but in pain for it was not to be
and never will have; insanity.

God, this. This has ended.
And my insides crave for otherwise,
for what I could see with sightless eyes,
yet you promised none of it.
Why did I think I could attain
what is not attainable?
How can I achieve the impossible?
And what now? There's nothing left.

He's gone, just as you have asked, loved together.
I budged a place, I lied to my own face
about everything, about possibility,
about my lack of expectations.
Yet I could not rid myself of them,
so I hid, glossed, ignored them,
and they blew up to make notice
of the mess I was making.

This, this comes out of despair.
I cannot believe my jealousy, my hate,
yet it surges and is so misunderstood
that the path's become a crossroad
with a million and two pathways:
one for me, and one for him.
I go to kill, he goes to life.
And I so desperately want to go with him.

But I can't, this isn't right,
I say I loved him, and he didn't back
and we left ourselves unchained
and I watched his back and then his shadow
as it crept away.

Me? I don't know.
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.

But, God.
Please do.
Please, help me realise what is not real
ain't.