One = All

How am I? How do I feel?
Excellent question. I should be asking this of myself more often. I used to like asking it because it was an icebreaker, then with use it became a formality, insignificant. Filler. Pointless. Burden. Not so, because I recognise now that there is much value in it. It's a way of checking in, to see how I'm going. I get asked, and I ask myself nowadays too. So I get to consider how I feel. How do I really feel? Usually when I ask people they either go nm (not much) or gud, or alrite, or okay, or fine. What do those emotions translate to me? Numbness. If the person says they're good, it translates to me as an overall positive disposition but not actually feeling all the emotions for whatever reason. Splitting hairs? Maybe I am analysing it too much which is supported by the length of the paragraph if quantity is solely considered.

How do I feel? I am not good, I am not fine, I am not excellent, I am not amazinglyawesomelycoolxoxo, I am not fantastic, I am not bored, I am not sad, I am not not bad. I am not how I feel. Yes, there is a feeling, but I am not that feeling. And thanks to the lessons of Life from blog posts, Eckhart Tolle and other teachers that Life sent my way (and thankfully is continuing to send in order to bolster my growth), I recognise that truth. I do not identify with what I feel, simply because I am not sadness or pain or goodness or happiness or whatever. They are just dots on the spectrum of emotions, and I can't be one dot one moment then another dot the next. I am not a line either :P

I have come to realise that feelings are here to be experienced and thus to teach, and pushing them away is counterproductive because I cannot learn the lesson. This realisation has of course come from the frustration that comes with suppressing emotion, particularly pain. I've been trying to deal with pain by pushing it down or squeezing it with 'love' but I simply was trying to force it away which is not the way to go. If there is pain, I am not it, I am simply the space for it, and that goes with every feeling. That means that the emotion can be felt, experienced, in its own accord. It carries a message and it shall deliver it when I let it do so.

I cannot control my emotions. I understand. Therefore, I let thee be. Be.

Am I worried? I used to be, but now I recognise this is a feeling too. It's a feeling of fear, the fear of not being in control. It's funny :) These past few years unconsciously I've been seeking to control my life, control my emotions, the feelings that I feel. I wanted to dictate much happiness and no sadness, no hurt. I've been foolish. I can't do that and expect to live happily. Say irony? I can't have only happiness and live happily. I wouldn't know the difference, because if I were to have all this happiness, I would be driven to find more, higher happiness. It'd be a loop spiraling out of control but trying to gain control. Paradox :) Logically, grasping this is difficult, but life is not humanly logical. Maybe it is universally logical, but I can't justify that with human logic.

I surrender. Yes. I am not going to try to control, to exclude, to separate, to divide, because life is infinitely open, full (and empty at the same time), and united. One = All. My control defies the truth of life, and that just means I'm arguing with what is, which is absurd. So instead of using my energy to control, I now experience. What it is, life, love, joy, peace, truth. I accept it is.