A Light Script

When this light rises I'm restored -
I don't know how to feel though
Because the situation confuses me so.
The day takes on a different chord,
A shade I didn't play
A word I did not say
A heath I protected
A secret I neglected
A heart I singled out
A man I broke apart
All by myself.

It was me, you know, me.
Or do you?

Fuck, it seems like it can be so many things
But it's only one, everything.
And the light shines
And I don't seem to know how to connect one to one.

Request For A Second Chance

To you,

I am writing to you right now. The timing doesn't seem to be very fitting, after you packed my own bags for me and threw them into me and pushed me out the door.

You say I stayed too much inside and made a mess. Well, I won't deny that, but I never think of it as mess - more like creative expansion... or child's play. You know I'm right, so I don't see why you're sending me away. After so many years together, so much we have been through. Yes, you've gotten mad at me before and recently you told me how fed up you were with my antics. But we used to have such fun times, when we were both younger, we played so many games. I loved spending that time with you. And now, just because we've arrived at yet another obstacle in our relationship, you tell me you've had enough. Please... you've said that before and never actually kicked me out. After all, you are a forgiving soul, so even though I said a thing or two about the people in your life that you might not like, you know I must be right.

In case you're wondering, I don't take it back. I'm not angry you've closed the door on me, I know you'll let me back in. Then we can continue having fun together. I've pitched a tent in the void outside. I'll wait until you gather your senses.

Be quick! Don't let the present get in the way of our past times and possible future!

I'll be here.

Love you lots,

xoxo
Your ego

Honesty

Is considering how he can live - he.
He wants the joy of life without the pain of death.
Yet he's already taken the latter and not received the first. He's confused. But it's rather simple.
He has chosen to die.
He has chosen to suffer on the road to death.
He has chosen pain.

And yet his choice, is not one he made wholeheartedly, because he could never choose pain, suffering, death. There is something there, left, a glimpse of love, of truth - enough - to awaken him. And he will rise.

I am he. I want to be the person I was born to be. I want to know love. I do not want to take love from anyone, ever. I do not want to hurt. I do not want to distress, nor distract, nor be the eye of envy. I do not want to instill hate. I simple want happiness.

I can't do this alone. I simply - can't.

Will you help me?

Shift-I

Wisdom is so much more than we know. Dawns, dusks, they come and symbolise the coming and going of life. They come up each day, routinely, almost ritualistically, at the same time. There is no difference between them. One just likes to symbolise one side of the coin while the other is blissfully turned away, unaware, uncaring, until it flips and the seasons and some of our moods change. Suave is this movement, like a determined flirtation. The goal is to get into the pants of God, into his rear pocket on either buttock, to sit there, hoping for safety and security and all else that is good. You just wait until he sits down and does his paperwork.

Yesterday, I woke up and I was awake, even if briefly. The day had already started and I, for the first time in an unspecified amount of time, had met with it and we spoke kind words. No tribulations, no arguing over what would happen and what shouldn't. We really just sat there in the silence of agreement, occasionally me uttering an utterance of non-importance. It was a lovely time we experienced, that moment. We saw soul to soul, all to all. I am going to have these meetings more and more.

And I really knew it was okay, then, as it is now. There continues to lie my habitual deviation from the truth, an action that is going to stop showing up for work, having been made redundant. With this economy, it does still come in from time to time, knocking at my door, and I open it, then send it out again, with a cheerful farewell. That particular invention no longer need be employed by me. I filled out the papers that I had to, so I wouldn't get into any trouble with the authorities. Really, all I was handed was a contract from an arbitrary filing cabinet, and I saw my signature upon it. I then received a dismissal form, written in the handwriting of God, and I signed my name upon it, thereby making the initial work contract redundant.

My signature was all that was needed, and it was done. I had to have a clear mind for that particular arrangement.

So, the day dusked, and then - then the day dawned.

Circles. Place anything within a circle and it is trapped, separate from the whole, fragmented. Dead. Place it on the line and it shall repeat indefinitely. Place it outside and it is forever, free, unable to see any separation. We are somewhere on the line, I think, teeter-tottering, leaning towards the death within the circle but unable to plunge into that abyss because of the pull of freedom.

You yearn it too, as I do. I am you. So I know.

Lessons From Nagisa

Change happens, and even when change happens... the question that remains for us to answer each and every time, can we still love even when things change? In other words, can love be unconditional and therefore transcendent of change? Such, such a powerful question and yet the answer is a destiny-guide. Each choice foretells the next choice until behind you, a path is formed. And you can trace back where love was so easily, because it never would have left.

That was the point. Family, friendship, being together, promises of always being there for each other, the symbolism of the Big Dango Family, the father-son musings... the same point, repeated, over and over and over and over again in a variety of forms. All pointing to the same theme, the importance of love, and not only that, but the prevalence and permanence of love, true love. Love that comes as an orb of light and rises up into the sky. Love that sees through illusions and recognises itself in the spirit of others. Love that saw Nagisa rise through her sickness. Love that gave birth to Ushio. Love that remained even after Tomoya thought Nagisa and Ushio died because of him. Love that transcended the screen on which the Animé played itself out on and called my own love to respond. Love that makes me grateful to have watched Clannad. Love that lives on even after I have finished the series.

Love that reminds me to not let myself sleep and forget, but to rise and remember to spread it and give it all away and watch as the lights multiply. That was the principal lesson from Nagisa. To love. Simple, yet more powerful than these words can convey.

It Came To Me

I do not believe in myself enough, but I believe too much in my thoughts. So I am to believe in who I am, and let my thoughts pass, without judgment. I cannot judge myself as my thoughts, nor do I need to. All I need, is given.

Domo arigato.