ir a principal |
Ir a lateral
I am not in any way special and it's not in the way I dot my i's or draw the tails of my y's and g's and j's that you can see this. I am addressing you because I don't want to bother anyone else with how I feel. But I do need to say what I will so here goes. In advance, thank you for being, here and everywhere else that is here.
There is no one else. Or there is only everyone else and no me. Yes, it's fucked up, this perception, but I have to unravel its not so I can move on. Hold on through these metaphors, please.
I don't understand things anymore. Being happy, laughing, talking, dreaming... all ephemeral things. I meet with friends and we talk and we laugh and I put on a face that doesn't give much away... I kind of like it that way - locked in prison keeps me out of everybody's way. But that said, I, I, am still here. I can accept that this is my defense mechanism, my protection which I place before everybody else like a filter so that my shielding is justified and so that I can say to myself that there is a real reason why I am acting this way but that I don't want to reveal that reason to anyone lest they crush me in their judgment. Yes, it's misperception, I can tell. That said, I don't wholly believe it is, so here I am canvasing it so I can see it, and realise it, and receive the answer I am asking for. And I'm not checking Facebook while I type this. But if everything is fleeting because it's unreal, what the fuck is the point of being here, relating to people, encountering, crossing paths et al. What? I am convinced there is a point - something I should let go of lest I try to find it and desecrate nothingness into more nothingness. If I go searching in this split-mind state, I will not find peace. This point that I am meaning, is not necessarily a cliché of a life purpose, but some direction, some way that doesn't involve emphemerality, sadness, being upset, lost souls, loneliness, envy, abandonment, jealousy, drama... something that appears metaphysically like truth or love but that actually is here. I know it's already here but I need to KNOW it. I still hope that there is that. It must be, after all is said and done, something like that there. So what must I do to reach it? "A Course In Miracles" says it's already here and has always been and will always be. How have I become so lost if the answers are right here?
Am I always looking away but never here? The answers are never anywhere else but here? I can accept that, but I need, again, to KNOW it.
The truth is, I've been hoping for things, for selfishness to go away. There's this fix I have with attention. I see reflections of it in my life currently. People that want my attention for a heart-to-heart conversation or for help with their assignment... they get my attention, because I give it to them. People that exhibit a thirst for attention, that don't stop seeking when I tell them to, that maybe are addicted to it... they also get my attention, although in a limited form because I get defensive too and put up a shield that could be referred to as ignorance. Where do I go from here? Because, I'm currently starving myself of attention, knowing that because I'm not getting it, I'm not feeding my ego. Subsequently I am becoming quite depleted and lonely, because without my ego sucking up attention from others, it's dying in abandonment. And these are the feelings that I feel: loss, doubt, abandonment, loneliness, jealousy of others who gain attention... I feel like no one really needs to listen to what I have to say because me saying anything will be my call for attention. This could be as well. But what I really really want, is assurance - to know that what I am going through will pass. The way out will reveal itself when it is time for it to be revealed. Now, I am witnessing the self-destruction of ego and it feels like it's killing me too. But it's not.
Heaven bent to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the wayI got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear
I'm sure if I ask my friends about aid in helping me they would be supportive. But I don't want to do this because it would be attracting attention which will satisfy my ego... Not yet. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want the attention. But my ego does. But my ego doesn't exist. My feelings are but residue which I believe in. So how do I let it go? I have asked and have received.
Today's events highlight one thing: you receive what you ask for. Whether you honestly, openly, slowly, subconsciously, vengefully, sympathetically, lovingly, apathetically ask for it, you will get it. The law of cause and effect operates within the world and there are no exceptions to this.
Part of the awareness that I have gained indicates that one needs to know what questions he or she is asking in order to notice that the consequences/answers being delivered are in direct response to what was asked. No exception. The surprising simplicity of this took me aback and I refused to believe... yet one cannot deny what is true and expect it to become false. The world does not operate under rules that we have made, we simply got here, in our fortunate positions, and started our exploration. The puzzle pieces fit together one way only. Thinking, forcing, expecting, cringing, pushing, resisting otherwise is futile and has no effect on the laws because the laws simply obey themselves and push back with resistance. Causes cause consequences.
When thoughts are sent towards the universe, to God, to the beyond, into apparent nothingness or the obscured abyss of life (or whichever other dramatic, meaning-infused, emotionally-charged substantives and epithets we use), they are heard, always. When we realise they have been heard and that the answers to questions we have asked have been given, we notice a pattern, an effect of familiarity. This is the invitation of sentiment that has been received. Subsequently, the sentiment has come to the party, in whichever form it may have taken, relevance aside. We ask for a feeling, we feel that feeling, wish granted. The Genie gets a box ticked in the 'trust' column. As time goes on, we become more aware of what we can achieve. With that comes the discovery that we aren't just pieces of flesh with electrifying sludge/brain mush that makes thoughts and reasons. We have the ability to create our experiences and experience them. Cause + effect.
Personally I didn't know much about this until I watched "The Secret" then read the book of the same name. There, they called it the 'Law of Attraction' which appears to me now as some sort of New Age term for the simple principle of Cause and Effect. Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened. Same principle here, too, just in another form.
Greetings are in order. Hi. Salut.
Headphones on, here's an attempt at channeling emotion into a piece of writing. Self-conscious this one. The consensus that I've discovered indicates that one needs to be in a place of sentimental disturbance for one to churn out a particular strand of art. For example, that one needs to be sad in order to funnel the feeling into a piece of art which will embody the tristesse that they initially felt. A case of lightening a load, or rather transferring energy from the body into an object where one can clearly see it, thereby looking at a reflection. Is art a mirror? Could this piece of writing that I see as pixels on a light screen be a mirror of my inner questions? Sure. I'll go for that. I've heard many a time before how the world is our mirror. We see outwards what we feel inwards. A case of projection. Call it, if you like, your own special pair of glasses that you wear and perceive the world through. Your oyster. If it tastes like crap, it might just be your taste buds. Or not. It could be your act of projecting crap onto the oyster. Like you have a grapefruit before you eat the oyster. Nasty aftertaste? My point is, we have what we ask for. Ask and ye shall receive. Oh that phrase is in a plethora of books, Bible included.
The paragraph above is infused with a myriad of words and phrases, some that clash. Some invoke the senses, some bore, some may remind of a self-help book, some of a French dictionary. In any case, I wish to know if consistency is a factor that needs be considered. Should I have to explain how I feel in a particular way and be consistent with that throughout the piece? No. Got the answer. The reason being that I feel all the emotions that I describe above; it feels all over the place when I take a step back and see it as a whole picture. It's the details that come together to form the mixture. There's a worry that it might be too mixed to discern the individual details and to some, maybe, I say maybe, it might be too difficult to make out any patterns at all. Blah blah blah.
The point? Umm... little focus. On and on and on, place to place, word to word, until a trail appears. My headphones are off and I can now speak. Hear my voice:
Learn from this. Know that your attention is where you will get your results. The world is your canvas, your sight is the picture. The paintbrush and colour palette are in your hands, and all you have to do is see what you want to paint. You don't need to know how. And if you now know that you can paint on the canvas anything - anything - that you want, then paint that. See it, feel it. Focus on it. Make it the centre and then watch, notice, appreciate, how the world spins its web of rainbows onto the canvas, your oyster, your world, your experience.
Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened.
What you have sought has always been found. What you have asked for has always been what you have received. The doors that you have knocked on have always been opened.
