Brother

Here's another exploration of a feeling I had tonight. It's occurred before, yes, and I think for the sake of my inner peace and sanity that I be honest with how I feel. The truth shall set me free? That may just be.

There are people in my life that I look to and feel blessed in their presence. The particular people I refer to here are ones that I do not normally spend my time with, but with who I have bonded previously through a unity of hearts, I feel. Description-wise, the feeling of being with these people (in this case there was one of them) is one of a different respect. Let me elaborate.

There have been experiences in my life where I was bullied and made to feel worthless, less than I am, different, hurt, imperfect. In appeasement, I accepted some of these, and as I grew, I also slowly ripped off some of these labels. One that I can think of remains particularly and powerfully entrenched in my mentality. I do not mention it out of fear. It is scary to admit it. Not because it is embarrassing, but because the truth of it haunts. In some ways it feels like denial, living a lie, but in another way, it feels to me like a lie itself. I am partly scared of accepting it, but also scared about what accepting it can mean. I think for myself, I can be comfortable with it, so personally it does not bother me, but when it comes to those around me, particularly my family, I do not feel like they would share my burden. Maybe it would lift off if I told them, but I am unsure as to what would happen. No, I wouldn't be kicked out of my house or anything like that, but I feel like them knowing would shatter their ideal of who I am. That ideal is an illusion of course, but by breaking that... what is left? I worry for them worrying about me.

The interesting addition to this is that I don't even know if the label itself is true. It could be true, that is what is scary, but there is also an element of it 'just' being a label and thus non-representative of truth. The label is derogatory, yes, even though I know that what it really points to isn't. But the label is just a label, a categorisation, a boxing of the unboxable. So of course, that makes it untrue. But the implication is that me abiding by this label would be like me surrendering to a lie in itself - while at the same time, not 'exposing' part of this truth may be witnessed as refusal to accept, resistance. Complex-sounding. Paradox? I just feel this to be a challenge of identity. I don't accept the derogatory nature of the label, of course not, but the label alone could have some significance.

The aforementioned people can enter the commentary here. They don't know about the label as having had this effect on me, but why I respect them is because I feel for them a certain brotherhood. Let me explain. The people smile. They opened up to me in the past about things about in their lives that they held dear or about when they were hurt and I offered my support and understanding. I cherish those conversations, because those exchanges facilitated relationship growth. So now when those moments have passed and I talk to them, I feel a certain respect that they shared with me, that they were open. Brothers uniting in time of need. Acceptance. Love. That's what I want, and it is simply incorrect to believe that there is a lack of love in my life. But there is this piece left, this shard of darkness that is quite apparent and puzzles me. This label, which is not mentioned, but is heard. You may know it, maybe not. What might you grasp from this is that I feel I am at crossroads. Unsure where to go. What do I do?