Split Mind Spill

I am not in any way special and it's not in the way I dot my i's or draw the tails of my y's and g's and j's that you can see this. I am addressing you because I don't want to bother anyone else with how I feel. But I do need to say what I will so here goes. In advance, thank you for being, here and everywhere else that is here.

There is no one else. Or there is only everyone else and no me. Yes, it's fucked up, this perception, but I have to unravel its not so I can move on. Hold on through these metaphors, please.

I don't understand things anymore. Being happy, laughing, talking, dreaming... all ephemeral things. I meet with friends and we talk and we laugh and I put on a face that doesn't give much away... I kind of like it that way - locked in prison keeps me out of everybody's way. But that said, I, I, am still here. I can accept that this is my defense mechanism, my protection which I place before everybody else like a filter so that my shielding is justified and so that I can say to myself that there is a real reason why I am acting this way but that I don't want to reveal that reason to anyone lest they crush me in their judgment. Yes, it's misperception, I can tell. That said, I don't wholly believe it is, so here I am canvasing it so I can see it, and realise it, and receive the answer I am asking for. And I'm not checking Facebook while I type this. But if everything is fleeting because it's unreal, what the fuck is the point of being here, relating to people, encountering, crossing paths et al. What? I am convinced there is a point - something I should let go of lest I try to find it and desecrate nothingness into more nothingness. If I go searching in this split-mind state, I will not find peace. This point that I am meaning, is not necessarily a cliché of a life purpose, but some direction, some way that doesn't involve emphemerality, sadness, being upset, lost souls, loneliness, envy, abandonment, jealousy, drama... something that appears metaphysically like truth or love but that actually is here. I know it's already here but I need to KNOW it. I still hope that there is that. It must be, after all is said and done, something like that there. So what must I do to reach it? "A Course In Miracles" says it's already here and has always been and will always be. How have I become so lost if the answers are right here?

Am I always looking away but never here? The answers are never anywhere else but here? I can accept that, but I need, again, to KNOW it.

The truth is, I've been hoping for things, for selfishness to go away. There's this fix I have with attention. I see reflections of it in my life currently. People that want my attention for a heart-to-heart conversation or for help with their assignment... they get my attention, because I give it to them. People that exhibit a thirst for attention, that don't stop seeking when I tell them to, that maybe are addicted to it... they also get my attention, although in a limited form because I get defensive too and put up a shield that could be referred to as ignorance. Where do I go from here? Because, I'm currently starving myself of attention, knowing that because I'm not getting it, I'm not feeding my ego. Subsequently I am becoming quite depleted and lonely, because without my ego sucking up attention from others, it's dying in abandonment. And these are the feelings that I feel: loss, doubt, abandonment, loneliness, jealousy of others who gain attention... I feel like no one really needs to listen to what I have to say because me saying anything will be my call for attention. This could be as well. But what I really really want, is assurance - to know that what I am going through will pass. The way out will reveal itself when it is time for it to be revealed. Now, I am witnessing the self-destruction of ego and it feels like it's killing me too. But it's not.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

I'm sure if I ask my friends about aid in helping me they would be supportive. But I don't want to do this because it would be attracting attention which will satisfy my ego... Not yet. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want the attention. But my ego does. But my ego doesn't exist. My feelings are but residue which I believe in. So how do I let it go? I have asked and have received.